The Shower Report: Netherlands--residences

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Netherlands--residences

What I am about to say must not be shared with the Dutch, for they pride themselves on being better than everyone at everything. They may speak better English than us, and know more about American politics than we do, but the Dutch do not know how to build a proper shower.

Water pressure, fine.
Water temperature is not maintained long enough for an American showerer.
Insufficient shower curtain coverage. Why all Dutch shower curtains are missing about a foot of width, I’ll never understand. Cold cold cold Dutch air in, tepid Dutch water out.
No floor ledge. Automatic flooding. Why?

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The shower against which all other showers will be judged

This is the shower in my circa 1960’s studio apartment in DC. It was built in a time when people didn’t let aesthetics get in the way of a good shower. When water pressure was something everyone believed in. When people had a healthy fear of danger, leaving bathtub walls low, hand grasps ready, and bathtub floors a little bit bumpy. When being prepared was valued, and like an aquatic nuclear shelter, showers held every type of shampoo, conditioner, razor, soap, shower gel, exfoliant, loofah, shower puff and wash cloth one might possibly need during one’s time in the shower.

But now, things are different. Modern hotel showers may look good, but danger, inefficiency, and creepiness can lurk behind any trendy curtain/door/wall/half-wall. In TSR, I travel the globe with my high showering standards and report back so you know what shower awaits you.

I take the following factors into consideration

Water pressure—Can I rinse away shampoo and conditioner in a reasonable amount of time? Does the soap fully rinse off?
Water direction—Can I get out of the way of the water when I need to, or is it on me at all times, removing any carefully applied conditioner applications or shave gel? Can I ease my way into the shower at first, or is it in my face immediately?
Effort—Am I expected to hold my own showerhead while I’m showering? Really? Do you know how busy I am in there?
Safety—Am I going to trip on the ledge of the tub and die alone naked in a hotel bathroom? Is there adequate lighting for safe shaving? Is the tub angled in such a way that I need to balance even while just standing? To get to the shower, do I need to trek across a field in the darkness, risking attack by rattlesnakes or black mambas?
Storage—Is there room for my smoothing shampoo, volumizing shampoo, regular conditioner, intense conditioner, soap, razor, back-up razor, and loofah in the shower? What about my roommate’s stuff? Can I keep my soap relatively dry while showering, or will it be fully eroded during my stay at your fine establishment? Can I grab my towels (2 minimum!) from the shower?
The Ick Factor—Is the shower curtain touching me? Is there soap scum or mold? Is the shower floor dirty, or is that the remnants of my spray tan?
Modesty—Can I shower without my roommate seeing me naked?
Creepiness—A special category related to insects and religious paraphernalia.

The Shower Report